The very last thing I want is for anyone to think I’m just writing all this to throw myself a pity party. I’m Not, that’s not my style. What I do want is for everyone to think about their own lives and just too consider where they’re at. Is it healthy? Is it worth It? Is it what you want?
My next chapter isn’t full of a lot of nice things, but just know that I’m ok now.
I had an unofficial hens party, I went away camping with 2 friends the same weekend of my future hubbys bucks weekend (The word hubby is foul and makes me uncomfortable… It’s like moist … terrible words) these 2 girls also had partners that had headed away for the bucks. So it was more a weekend to hangout and forget what the boys where up too.
I remember this weekend so well. It’s one of my favorites and one of the worst. We had dinner at Taco Bills… drank fish bowl cocktails, shot trays, all the wine … We pretty much drank bills dry. So much laughter.
Then reality hit. I was getting married. I was on this weekend to forget what my future husband was up to, I didn’t trust him, at all. I knew that to him this weekend was his ‘free pass’ a goodbye to his single life ( mate you haven’t been single for 7 plus years now) I had a mini break down. Full tears. Full panic. What was I doing? This relationship was toxic. It’s was slowly killing me. Seriously.
My dad jumped out of the car and was walking around to open my door. It felt like the longest 10 seconds of my life. I was sitting in the most expensive dress I’d ever owned. I could see out the front windscreen everyone I loved waiting for me. I could actually hear my heart beating in my ears. I was all alone for the longest 10 seconds. RUN. Kick off those heels and run. Next thing I’m looking at my dad. The man with the happiest and saddest eyes all in one. My brain is screaming ‘Get out of the car, you are meant to smile.” So I did.
I’ve already explained my wedding day in my last blog. So let’s just skip forward one single day. The day after our wedding. Our first official day of man and wife. We had a bbq for all of our family and friends to come along enjoy and relax by the pool of our holiday house. My husband was a drinker. Could never just have a couple. He had to drink the place dry and that’s what he did that day.
He drank himself stupid. So stupid he started a fight with me in front of all my family. He screamed at my older sister, at my mum and at my dad. No one screams at my dad, he is a gentle human, beautiful and soft, the man with the happiest and saddest eyes. Day 1 of my new life and I was stuck in the middle of a family war.
Life just got more toxic from here. Our fights were normal to me but now that I am out I can see them for what they were. Unhealthy. I again feel like this is the time I highlight I’m not an idiot, and I’m ok.
At the time I didn’t know emotional abuse was a thing and I don’t think he did either honestly. I really don’t think he did. (I feel like we as a whole, a community, have done a massive leap in the last 5 years and mental health and emotional abuse have become real things)
Our fights were traumatic. They were loud, abusive, scary. The more he scared me the louder and more defiant I got. As you can imagine that only made things worse. To me it was normal to have a fight then lock yourself in the bathroom to get away. SAFE. It was normal to be forced to sleep on the floor. If we had a fight in bed he would stick a foot in my back and literally kick me out of bed. It was normal for him to pull over in the car make you get out and walk. It was normal to learn to duck at flying objects. It was normal to be backed into a corner and stood over. It was normal to learn to cry without noise … right? Deep down I knew it wasn’t. Deep down I knew these weren’t thinks other couples were doing. Deep down I never told anyone because I knew it wasn’t right. But this was my life. Compromise. Life isn’t prefect.
Towards the end of my marriage, game playing became his latest form of terror. I was still trying my hardest to act ‘normal’ keep it all together. He’s favorite thing to do was to fight with me or stress me out right up to the very last-minute. So we could be in the car on the way to pick up friends and he would just hound me to the very last second. We could see friends walking up to the car, we both would be sitting, smiling and he would still be mouthing off under his breath. I would be smiling with tears building in my eyes. Then as soon as they were in the car. The happy couple clicked back into action and it was business as usual.
I had become a shell. I was hollow, sick, exhausted … slowly dying. I know that sounds a bit dramatic, I don’t mean I was on my death bed. My body was still functioning, but I was just a body … My soul was slowly dying.
I don’t know how I lasted so long like I did. I think part of it had to do with the my family and friends. Every time I was with them I could feel my soul singing again. I could laugh and mean it. I could be happy and never want it too end. I could be me … I wasn’t sure who that was but it felt right.
New Years Eve
We had plans to head away camping with friends for new years. So I spent the day packing. Not only my bag but his as well. He was at work so I was literally just killing time waiting for him to finish work so we could head off. Together.
When he came home, without a single word spoken to me, he quickly showered, got changed and grabbed his bag. He stood at the front door, hand on the handle and said the following sentence which is burnt into my brain. “I don’t want you too come, I have more fun when you’re not around, so I’m going alone. See you in a few days.” I consider that the very last sentence of our marriage. That night at 11.59pm I made myself a promise. I wouldn’t spend another year, month, day like this. Tomorrow when I woke up I was starting again. Just me. And that’s what I did.
*** help is never far away, if any of the above rings true to you and I hope it never does, but if it did, put yourself first and get help ***