Starting again …The first time

20180115_121542I woke up New Years Day, alone, in tears, terrified and literally the happiest and strongest I’ve ever been.

I called my mum and asked if I could move home for a while. She instantly answered with a yes and the only question she asked was “what do you need me to do right now?” My mum and dad where on my front door step in 25 minutes with every reusable shopping bag, washing tub and suitcase my mum could get her hands on. I laid on my cold bathroom tiles and watched my mum pack up my life for me. She grabbed everything she could and once a bag/tub was full she would put it at the front door and my dad would pack it into the car. A production line of my life being packed up.

So far only 3 people knew my marriage was over. Me, My Mum, My Dad. Self-involved Husband was still away camping and didn’t feel the need to check in, or even just say Happy New Year. It wasn’t until the 2nd of January he finally called  to tell me he was heading home. That’s when I told him, roughly 36 hours after I had decided it was over, that he was coming home to an empty house.

The Week Of Mourning  

At first he begged me on the phone to change my mind, to wait until he was home to talk about it all. (Honestly what was there to talk about? How much fun you have without me around???)

The first week was exhausting, he blew up my phone with messages and calls. None of which I answered. The more he fell apart the stronger I felt. Horrible I know but it’s true. It felt nice to finally be the one in charge of the situation, to be calling the shots. Still it was exhausting to have to cop the full brunt of someone else emotional break down.

Well thankfully that only lasted a week. Yep a single week. After 7 days he decided that he no longer cared, that he was single and could live a single mans life. So that’s what he did. I stopped getting messages begging me to come home, messages telling me he would change, messages saying I was the love of his life. All the messages stopped. I think he mostly did this because he didn’t want me to think I had the upper hand. He was hurt but didn’t want me to know. Real power struggle type stuff. To me though it was just a relief it stopped.

Now we didn’t tell anyone that we had split as I agreed to wait until he was ready to do so.  And I also needed time. Yes I walked away. Yes I didn’t love him. Yes it was a terrible marriage. But it was an ending, and ending are something I have always struggled with. I had only known life for the last 11 years as M & S. This was the first time in my adult life I was making the decisions for myself. It was daunting and exciting.

About a month or so after I left, I caved, I’m not proud I did but I did. He had given me time to be alone and we slowly started a conversation again. He sounded different, He seemed different, I was different. So I agreed to go away with him and spend sometime sorting it all out. While it wasn’t a bad weekend it pretty much was no different to the life we had been living. He was just on his best behaviour. When we got home I agreed to move back in and give it another try. (I can hear your sighs of disappointment. I know, dumb move)

The second try didn’t last long … a single week. This time it was final. This time I was angry. He had left his phone on the table (no I didn’t snoop). I had just jumped out of the shower, wrapped in a towel I knew I was late for an outing. So … his phone was on the table as I was walking past headed to the bedroom to get changed I hit the home button to check the time (again I was not looking for anything). My heart stopped 3 messages from 3 different girls.  THREE

  1.  “Hey will I be seeing you at the gym again today babe?? …..not so bad
  2. “Hey M, whats you up too?? xx … kiss kiss hmmm getting a little worse
  3. “Hey! I had so much fun with you (insert winky tongue emoji here) When will I be seeing you out again? maybe just us this time? xxx” …  more kisses yep he’s a dick

Poor old Husband, he was so broken-hearted about his marriage being over he sort comfort from 3 different girls. So It was really over now. I walked into the lounge still just wrapped in a towel hair dripping and dropped his phone on his lap. I looked him dead in the eye and said never again. NEVER.

I got dressed walked out the door and never came back.

So we were still in the stage of not telling people. But I started to fill in those who were closet to me but not him. I didn’t tell anyone at work until we had been split for close to 5 months, slowly people started to catch on. I didn’t care, I wasn’t ashamed. I’d stop crying. I was working on me.

TIMES LIKE THIS THOUGH SHOW YOU WHO PEOPLE REALLY ARE. It also shows just how petty some people can be … the soon to be ex husband included. He was ashamed of the split, he couldn’t be seen as the one that got dumped. So he made up a whole new story and started to fill in everyone who would listen. He had, had enough of me, He didn’t love me anymore, He walked out on me. I didn’t know anything about this new story at the time. I just thought he had finally come to grips with it and started letting people know. This was about the same time he joined Tinder. (No judgements here).

The Girlfriend

The soon to be ex husband called me randomly one work day and asked for me to met him at his work. He had something really serious to discuss with me and refused to say anything  more over the phone. As much as it irritated me I went, but I wasn’t getting out of the car so I made him met me in the car park. He jumped in my car and was acting weird … almost superior. He tried small talk, I was interested or wasting my time. What do you want?

This is the point when he takes my hand and starts looking at me like I’m a wounded puppy. I knew he was loving every minute of this. Then he finally started to talk, really talk “This isn’t what I was excepting to happen.” “I didn’t mean for it too” (come on mate move the chat along) “I’ve met someone.” “It’s real, I think I love her.” Still sitting in my car holding my hand he was hoping to crush my soul one last time. Sorry mate not today. Get. Out. Of. My. Car. I drove off with tears in my eyes. How dare he. How fucking dare he try to rip me down. How dare he make me come meet him just so he could watch my face, so he could watch my reaction, try see if he could hurt me once more. I WAS ANGRY. White girl crazy angry. I hated him.

The love of his life and he only dated for a few weeks before he broke up with her. Guess love to him was only fleeting. I was secretly happy they did, No I didn’t want him. I just didn’t want him to be happy. (Petty you say .. hell yes I was!) It was about this stage that I finally found out about the stories he had been telling everyone, It was also the time I found out that the rumor mill was hard at work.

  1. He left me, I had a break down.
  2. He left me for a younger, more fun girl
  3. He had been cheating on me with a girl from work
  4. He had been cheating on me with a girl from gym

The list was never-ending. All not true. All of them I didn’t care about. The people who I loved knew the truth, and would always speak up for me on my behalf. But I really didn’t care. I didn’t need everyone else to know, he needed it that way, I didn’t. I was strong and unashamed. I was finally starting to become me. Unapologetically Me.

S xx

 

 

 

 

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