Along came a Spider

I finished my walk on such a euphoric high. I again loved life, loved my fresh new outlook … I loved me (maybe for the first time ever). I was ready for the next chapter in my life. I was ready to get my life back on track and headed in the right direction. All that wishful thinking however came crashing down within hours of setting foot back home. Every little thing I thought I had worked through was now right in front of me. I was back to square one.

Breaking Point

When I got home I realised life had just stood still, nothing had changed or moved forward. My world was exactly the same as I left it. I was still everyone’s favourite talking point. The disappointment was epic and painful. The soon to be ex husband started hounding me again (one day he loved me, the next he hated me, I had destroyed him), The Money Man started playing the mind changing game again (he wanted to try being a couple, then he didn’t), the friends that didn’t know about The Money Man and I, now did and everyone had their own opinion(“how could I do that to the ex” or “well done for moving on”). I was all anyone wanted to talk about. I was back to feeling low, too crying at the drop of a hat. Did no one really see past all the drama and see that I was struggling. I had just solo hiked across two countries alone, yet everyone’s first questions where about the drama. WHAT!!! WHY!! Had no one noticed that I had just accomplished a major life achievement all by myself.

I was shocked and hurt to find how little anyone really cared about what I had just done. Don’t get me wrong my family and dearest friends were just as supportive and amazing as before I left, it was the wider circle of “kinda” friends. To a lot of people I was just a source of entertainment.

I WAS AT BREAKING POINT AGAIN. Actually no I was well past that, I was mid breakdown. However my full melt down ended up being a public one. (Thank god I was drunk and can barely remember most of it). It was horrible. It was epic. It was put that girl in a strait-jacket and lock her up epic. It was sad. It was painful.

It took me weeks to pull myself together again afterwards. I stopped sleeping. It made me physically sick. I stopped hanging out with friends. I avoided everything and everyone.

I was back to being that hollow girl who was walking around in a fog. I think this is the very reason why I ended up in the next situation. That clear minded, care free, fun girl who was hiking Spain wouldn’t have landed herself in this situation. But I wasn’t her anymore.

Tell us a little about yourself

I had, had enough of most people around me at this stage. I was only opening myself up to a very select few. I was tired and lonely. Then some bright spark gave me the idea of joining a dating site. “What you need is a good man to take your mind off things, you need someone to look after you.”

At first this didn’t seem like such a bad idea. I could talk to people from the comfort of my own couch (pants optional). I didn’t have to be out in the public eye, I didn’t have to worry about who would see or what the next rumour would be. And the attention was flattering. It made me feel good to hear my phone chime with a another message from a random stranger. I made very sure to make my “dating pool” outside the limits of my “small town.” No one within 50km. I didn’t want to date anyone that knew me, knew my story, knew my ex’s. And if I’m really honest I was pretty ashamed too, I was embarrassed I had got to the online dating stage. But I wanted to start fresh and I wanted something or someone new. This right here is where all the trouble started.

Along came a spider

How easy it is to be someone you are not. How easy it can be to use the keyboard to create a persona that is far from who you actually are. How easy it can be to trap someone in a web of lies.

S xx

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