Have you ever watched one of those current affairs or midday talk shows with the women who have been conned, played, destroyed by a man. I have and I’ve always thought they were idiots. How could you get yourself into that situations? How could you not see what he was doing? How could you let it get to that stage? How? The answer … Easily.
I AM HER
He was charming. He was smooth. He was The Psychologist. He was the opposite of everything I was used too. But most of all he was into me.
It all started with the world worst pick up line. “How much does a polar bear weigh” (I should have started running at this point) We chatted regularly and easily over the course of a month. There would be a text waiting for me every morning when I woke up, and he would always be the last one I spoke too at night. Everything moved fairly quickly. After a month of chatting he wanted to step it up he want to make it a permanent thing. He wanted people to know I was his. (At the time that sounds charming, now it just sounds controlling)
I remember the very moment, The Psychologists asked me to be “his.” We were standing in the middle of a packed dance floor, I watched the words come out of his mouth, I froze. My head wasn’t sold on him, I should have listened and trusted myself but I didn’t. What did I know? I haven’t had a succesful love story, my head was just saying no because I was scared. Wrong.
He was everything I needed him to be, he said everything I needed to hear. He fought my fights for me. He stood by me and up for me. He was what everyone around me was saying I deserved. He was a lie.
We moved in together after just 4 months of dating. By moving in together I actually had to move towns … 1 hour and 47 minutes away to be exact. Away from my family, from my friends, from my life. That was most of the appeal, away from my life. Away from drama and gossip. A fresh start, a new something, what I thought I needed.
Making a home
Moving was hard. I was going from my own 4 bedroom house that I lived in alone, to a one bedroom shoe box that I was sharing with in all honesty a complete stranger. Moving wasn’t what I thought it would be. I expected his friends to become my friends, his favourite hangout spots to be my favourite spots. I expected to start building a life together. What I instead got was a roommate.
For me his flaws started to shine through pretty quickly, but I had zero trust for my own mind. I talked myself out of almost every situation. Every time he did something I didn’t trust or didn’t like I could get my mind to switch off and ignore it. But at the same time I had everyone around me saying he was what I deserved, finally I got someone to look after me. (Yep right).
This was one of the worst betrayals ever. I was betraying myself. Betraying my own happiness. I didn’t and couldn’t trust my own thoughts.
Girl 1 – The “Friend”
I’m usually pretty confident in myself, I don’t think I’m the jealous type. After the first (and only time) I met his “friends” and work mates, I was uncomfortable as hell. We had gone out for drinks for his 30th Birthday. (My list of uncomfortable things is long so I’m going to just go ahead and dot point them)
- He didn’t tell anyone who I was … no one knew I was his girlfriend
- There were a number of random girls … not attached to any friendship groups
- He didn’t sit with me all night I sat and spoke to some random (so I got blind drunk)
- The girl in the leopard print dress kept touching him (there are 2 parts to this point I hate 1) the touching 2) leopard prints)
- 1 girl told me how she had slept with the psychologist years ago (that fine I’m a grown up I can deal) but she brought her single friend along to check him out.
- He kept checking his phone and disappearing
The thing that made me the most uncomfortable however wasn’t until the next morning, when he told me about the work “friend.” This girl apparently was deeply in love with him, That she had sent him messages all night asking what he saw in me and why he wasn’t dating her. I was uncomfortable for the following reasons
- again he didn’t tell anyone I was his girlfriend
- what did she mean what did he see in me … im think im pretty great
- who messages someone else boyfriend ALL night
- why would he invite someone who was “deeply in love” with him to his birthday, isn’t that giving off the wrong message
- lastly apparently this girl didn’t like me at all.
Needless to say I wasn’t a massive fan of this girl from the start. He also spent a long part of our relationship telling me the 2 were never friends and had nothing to do with each other. LIE.
(I have since spoken to this girl myself, she is lovely, another victim of his lies)
Girl 2 – The Singer
One night he came home blind drunk. I asked him where he had been and with who. His reply friends. (The next part I don’t understand) He then shouted and threw his phone at me “if you don’t believe me then check my messages for yourself”. So I did. That’s when I found photos of The Singer … half-naked. I lost my mind. I was mad soooo mad. Obviously he thought he had got rid of all the evidence and he was throwing me a clean phone to look at. I packed my bags and left.
Then he called, apologised, begged me to come home told me she was just a tinder random that thought he was still single. He had since set her straight though. The charming, caring guy that I very first started dating all of a sudden come back. He was once again completely wrapped up in me .. trying hard to make up for the mistake. LIE.
Girl 3 – The Personal Stylist/The blogger
He had been on his best behaviour for months, he was trying (faking.) However it wasn’t working. I knew this. I was lonely, I missed my family, my friends, I missed being at home, I miss my own home. I felt completely segregated away from all things me. The only person to blame for this was me. I let it all happen again. I let myself get to here. So needless to say I started to slip into what can only be depression.
12pm on a Tuesday sitting at my work desk I got a random Facebook message. “Hi, I’m Girl 3.. I’ve been dating The Psychologist for a couple of weeks, I’ve only just found out about you, I’m so sorry blah blah blah….. This was actually a really long message but I don’t remember most of what it said. My heart started pumping, I felt sick, tears were rushing down my face. I rang him. Again very calmly he explained it all. No they weren’t dating, they were friends that had gone for a few drinks after work. She got the wrong idea so he told her they couldn’t hang out anymore. This is why she messaged me, she was hurt she was angry she was embarrassed.
I felt almost sorry for her. I was angry at him he had played the whole situation wrong. he had hurt her feelings. He had hurt my feelings (maybe … The time I found out was the only time I cried. I was angry but not upset. that’s a pretty big hint that I wasn’t in love or in it for the long haul.)
12pm On Tuesday one week later sitting at my work desk I got the second message. This time it was a link to a blog … The Psychologist. I no longer felt sorry for her. I thought she was a trouble maker, a game player. I rang him. I told him to sort it out. That I never wanted to be contacted by her again. Again that charming caring thoughtful boyfriend was back. LIE.
(Again I have since spoken to this girl and apologized It couldn’t have been easy contacting me, I’m sure she was just as hurt as I was. I was rude and ignored her. I am now so sorry for this)
Me Vs My Mind
I had the chat with myself about breaking up with him, at least once a week for 6 months after the Girl 3 contacted me. I wasn’t happy I knew this. I was lonely. I was not enjoying life. I was depressed. I was in a massive hole and I just couldn’t get myself out. We continued on like ‘normal,’ we started to build what looked like a life without actually living one together. I knew he was a liar, but I just ignored it. It was easier. It was less drama just to ignore it.
The Psychologist that cared
The only real thing I ever got from him was the advice about seeing a psychologists. This is the very best thing I have ever done. The first session all I did was drop tears. It took me to drag myself to the second session before I actually started talking. It was the first time ever I had told someone everything. She was stunned. For one because I had managed to do all of that alone and keep it together as long as I have. Secondly that I wasn’t bitter and horrible. Thirdly That I could still laugh, joke and smile. For the first time ever I actually sat back and thought. Shit yep I’m a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. I was someone worth being proud of, I wasn’t as broken as I thought.
I only saw her for a total of 5 session and by the end of the fifth she said to me. “I don’t think you need to come back and see me, if you did I would just feel like I would be taking your money for free.”
It wasn’t long after this last session that I decided enough was enough. This guy was a dick. (This was highlighted when he told me he had looked up my psychologist registration and her qualification … “she was half the psychologist he was” … honestly he was just scared she’d show me who he really was and she did) He didn’t deserve me. I wasn’t going to fund his lifestyle anymore. I was done.
I felt like finally I was back to being that Girl I was on the Camino. Walking through snow and rain, sitting on top of mountains, laughing and singing in bars, processing and healing, That strong girl. I realised I was amazing, I was better than this. The most exciting part was that he could see my change and he realised he no longer had the control. He finally realised what I was worth and what he was about to lose.