I let bad love betray me once, But I was barely outta high school then, And I guess I fear the same results, That none will take me as I am, I wanna be loved, I wanna be whole again, so tuck my hair behind my ears and touch my soul again
The Heart is a Muscle – Gang of Youths
If I’m completely honest at the moment the best I have in me is a crawl. I’m not running into life with arms wide open. I’m rolling out of bed hoping its my feet that hit the ground first.
This chapter is only small, but it is one of the hardest. This one really did and does hurt. Still. Lots.
Which is actually a pretty ridiculous statement considering some of the stuff I’ve been through. And that this was really only a fleeting moment. My fog has only really just cleared (if that doesn’t make sense it means you haven’t read my other blogs, stop being lazy, off you hop read the others first) so I feel like for the first time I’m making choices with a clear mind.
The Teacher and I met in true modern day style. “Dating Apps.” (I know what you are thinking! “Is this girl an idiot seriously.” Yes I have already been burnt once from online dating, but my heart is massive and kind and generous, and I’m not going to let one Fuckstick ruin that, so no not an idiot .. just not defeated … yet) I instantly knew I liked this human, he didn’t start with the usual “hey how’s your week/end” or “send nudes” (side note: Fellas this doesn’t work). He was funny and clever and calm. He made me smile from the very first message.
We chatted daily for a couple of weeks before we actually met in person. Each day I could feel my smile getting that little bit wider. He was honest and real and I wasn’t at all prepared for that. When plans were finally made to met up, I was nervous, butterflies in the stomach, real nerves. We agreed on him cooking dinner at his place and a movie. The minute he opened the door all “cool” drained from my body. I was a walking dork. He sounded just like I imagined, I melted. (Unfortunately for me I have a quality resting bitch face, and my nerves came across as not interest. It couldn’t have been any further from the truth.)
Now I’m not going to sit here and claim it was “love at first sight”, because now that I am older, I can hand on heart say I’m not really sure I’ve ever been in love. I’ve loved times and moments but I don’t think I’ve been in love with someone. So I wouldn’t know what love at first sight is. What I’m going to call it is “HOPE at first sight”, I hoped I would love him. And he me.
I knew pretty quickly that I was hooked and I tried everything not to be, I couldn’t handle another disappointment/failure. I thought about him way more than I should have and told him things most didn’t know. The more we hung out and the more I knew about him, the more I wanted it to be. But the more I found out about him, the more I realised that wasn’t going to happen. Now there are parts of this story that are all his and not mine to share, as much as I’ll say is that he was broken. That deep, deep down, under all the smiles and laughter, kind of broken. The kind of broken you can only spot in the very corner of a smile, the smile that doesn’t reach the eyes. A fake smile. The more I saw this side of him however the more I fell, he was real, and the more I could see he wouldn’t fall for me. I think he really did like me and I think he really did care, (scrap that I KNOW he did care) but his heart was still broken . It was all in the timing and the timing was all off.
Its been a while now and still my heart aches about it, I have the smallest hope that one day he might just wake up and realise I am what he wants. That even when he was far from perfect, I saw the real amazing imperfect him. I don’t want a big flashy love story. I just want real. Honest. And I think he was it. Plus I just really liked how he looked on my couch. He looked like home.
Although logical me does not let that little bit of hope last too long. I know this is a one-sided hope. That its most likely only me thinking of him now, I’m not one of his thoughts. That’s the part that hurts. That it’s all one sided now. Life can be cruel hey. I almost wish I could hate him for not wanting me, that would be easier. Life isn’t easy though is it and I know this better than most. But I also care about him and want him to be happy, and as much as I think I could have been the one to do that for him. I can’t make him want something he doesn’t. So … No … No hate here. Just a little pain and the odd tear. And a hope that something or someone will make him smile for real one day.
So for now I’m just going to wait a while, see what the universe has planned. Give myself a break, I’m not ready to jump into the next. In the meantime I’ll just keep rolling out of bed and hoping its my feet hitting the ground first.
** If I’m totally truthful, which I hope by now you realise I always try to be. This was the very first thing I wrote. This is where my blog started. Once I was finished though I realised it wouldn’t make sense to start here because there had been so much that happened before this point. So this blog has been sitting in my drafts box from the very beginning. Every now and then I would open it back up and add, not change just add. I wanted it to be read just as how I felt at that very time. I hope that’s how it comes across xx